The Biggest Knot in Your Finances
When You Have a Money Fight
The biggest knot in your finances is that it is tied up and intertwined with the rest of your life. It turns out finances aren’t just about money. They’re also about relationships, priorities, pride, independence, emotions, and God. When we have an issue with money, the money part is almost always a side issue–the real issue is underneath. And that’s what makes the biggest messes.
Let’s say a woman is planning on attending her high school reunion, and she has discussed and agreed with her husband on setting aside $150.00 for a dress for the occasion. Now one day she is out shopping and stumbles upon the perfect dress and it’s on sale—for $200.00. Many people would expect to pay $200 or more for an occasion like this so the woman feels no hesitation to raise her budget for the reunion to buy the dress. However, when she gets home, her husband reacts with anger when he finds out. Then begins one of those famous money fights that the experts tell us are the number one cause of divorce in America.
What a Money Fight Is Really About
But the fight is not really about money. It would be unlikely for someone to have that kind of reaction over such a small percentage of their budget. What he’s really angry about is that she broke her promise. They had agreed on something, and she broke the agreement. It’s really about trust and fear he’s losing control and not the “boss” of his home and not being valued as an equal partner. Money was just the way it showed up.
Let’s see what happens if the situation is approached in a different way. When she finds the dress, she sends him a text saying, “I’d like to raise the amount for my dress by $50.00, and I want to make sure you’re okay with that first.” Chances are he’ll say, “Sure, honey, no problem.”
Seeing Behind the Fight
Maybe a couple has saved up an emergency fund of 3-6 months of expenses. The husband comes to the wife with a plan to use most of it to buy a resort membership and she doesn’t want to. He is surprised because she loves the resort and has often shared her dream of having a membership and he views her hesitation as a lack of commitment to their marriage and family or perhaps not being honest about her interest in it. In reality, she is just worried about security. She’s been thinking, “If anything happens, we will be okay because we have this fund for emergencies.” The thought of losing that, even to something she would like, sends her into panic mode. This is usually much more important to a woman than a man, so he probably doesn’t think about it. She may not fully understand her panic herself and not be able to explain it to him at all.
It is extremely helpful to look below the money fight to underlying emotions and concepts. It will untie many of the knots in your finances!
Share your money fight story in the comments!
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