Excerpts from My Friends' Recent Joke War

What starts with E and ends with E and only has one letter in it?  An envelope

I just found out I'm color-blind--it came up out of the yellow.

One leg bone said, "There is no God." The other leg bone said, "I agree!"
They were blas-femurs.

Scientists are bad at playing pranks because they lack the element of surprise.

Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

Bees can only fly in the rain if they wear their yellow jackets.

Apparently you cannot use "beef stew" as a password because it's not stroganof.

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine who fell in love with a pincushion?

There are lots of jokes about unemployed people, but they don't work.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, but I lost my case.

Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

My friend David lost his ID, not he's just Dav.

They say humans eat more bananas than monkeys, but I never saw anyone eat a monkey.

After my sister broke my lamp, I never saw her in the same light again.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day!

I swallowed a dictionary and it gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.

I once had my electricity shut off on me. That was a dark time in my life.

Don't judge me because I ate an abacus--it's what's inside that counts.

What do chemists' dogs do with their bones?  They "barium"!

Joe asked Edith's father for permission to marry him just as her mother was serving dessert. Her father said, "You can't have your cake and Edith too."

When you are cold, stand in a corner--they're 90 degrees.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer… than the men who mention it.

Ancient study states if you cannot sleep it is because you are awake.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?   
One is really heavy, and the other is a "little lighter".

A local man was hospitalized after swallowing 6 plastic horses.
The Doctor's described his condition as "Stable".

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

In the Valley Christian School cafeteria, a worker places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." 
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Schwarzenegger.

He replied, "I'll be Bach!"

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."