Changes

Well, yesterday started pretty well, but I had an experience last night that really threw a curve ball at me.

Bryan drove me down to see Trish because I had dropped out of life in the middle of everything we had been doing.  We took long enough there that he had to drop me off at Sarah's for care group and come back later to pick me up.  I hadn't recently pre-watched the video, but I have seen it before and I don't want to get further behind schedule than we already are.  It's no more tiring to sit on their couch than to sit on my own, so the only problem was that I hadn't had my medicine yet, but I figured I could do it as soon as I got home even though it would be a little late.

Sarah said they were going to a party near my house and could drop me off after the video so that Bryan wouldn't have to come and drive me home.  So I text him not to come.

So while I'm waiting for them to see the whole video, Trish sends me a text that she locked herself out of the house and could I come as soon as possible and use my key to let her back in.  My immediate reaction is to drop my life and go help fix her dilemma.  That meant I had to text Bryan again and tell him, no come get me.  I'm sitting there thinking I still don't have my medicine, and now I'm not going straight home.  I haven't eaten a full meal either just a little snacking.  But my instinct is to help others, and not consider myself.

I had to leave before we could have any discussion time and the video wasn't even over yet.  Might as well not have even tried to have the meeting at all.  Not really true because we did make progress by watching the lesson, but I was getting beyond rationality by this point because I'm having an epiphany.  How can I help both the care group members and my friend at the same time?  Also the consequences of putting myself aside are more severe than they were before and I'm realizing I can't do that anymore, at least not to the extent I always have. 

When he gets there, I tell him we have to go home first then take the key to Trish.  If I'd been thinking, I would have had him bring my medicine with him, but too late by that time.  By now I'm crying because it is really hitting me how my health plan has to change my day to day lifestyle and how I relate to everything and it's a lot to process.

I have to put certain aspects of myself ahead of others now or I could have another episode like those  8 days, or even worse.  This is breaking my heart.

I call Trish and explain that it will be another half hour to get to her because I have to eat and take my medicine before I can help her.  She's totally in agreement even though it means she has to wait outside her house another half hour.  I feel terrible.  It takes only a few minutes to give myself my insulin shot and grab a sandwich to eat in the car on the way, and the rest of the day goes on.

I am left with the realization that my life has changed from what I have known it.  It will be a process to adjust to the new way of thinking.