One Big Mistake Couples Make with Intimacy
It’s Not What We Think
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Across the board, when people use the word intimacy, it is automatically assumed to be referring to sex. Yes, sex is intimate–more so than is usually realized or admitted–but it cannot satisfy complete intimacy. It is possibly the fulfillment and ultimate expression of complete intimacy.
I think the biggest mistake we make is considering intimacy to be equal to sex, thinking if you have sex then your intimacy needs are met. However, sex is only one expression of intimacy and if we engage in it without our intimacy needs being met, it can degrade sex and make it less meaningful.
There can be damage done to a marriage relationship by exchanging intimacy for sex. Trying to find complete intimacy in sex alone, can leave ourselves unfulfilled and that can lead us to be vulnerable to infidelity. Most people realize that extramarital affairs rarely begin as sexual. So what causes these affairs to begin? I believe one reason is unfulfilled intimacy.
Then what is intimacy?? Looking up the word in the dictionary and thesaurus reveals these concepts: private, close, personal, detailed knowledge, long association, understanding, familiarity.
That’s a lot to take in. And nowhere is the word sex found.
It seems there are a lot of areas where intimacy applies. Let’s try to explore some possibilities.
MIND
There is a closeness created through sharing our thoughts and perceptions, a mutual understanding about the important areas or issues in life. How will you implement your values in regards to children, money, work, and church? So often life interrupts and keeps couples from maintaining this closeness. Jobs, kids, church, sleep all seem to get our attention first, but we need to make sure closeness doesn’t get ignored for too long. There are consequences/results of this as there is for neglecting any of those other areas. Keep your marriage a place where you can share your views honestly and know they will be heard and respected. Try some or all of these ideas:
- Read a book together.
- Discuss news story, movie, or current event.
- Compare your two favorite musical artists.
- Track your income and outgo.
- Make a budget.
- Chart your allocated spending.
- Pay off debt.
- Start sinking funds.
- Invest for retirement.
- Pay off your house early.
- Save for education.
- Give to charity.
- Attend church services, Bible studies, prayer meetings.
- Pray together 1x week.
- Read the Bible together.
- Serve together (soup kitchen, VBS, evangelism, coffee ministry, trash pickup, collection for poor, etc.).
- Discuss a sermon.
- Study a Bible verse together.
- Compare childhood vacations.
- List all the career paths possible for your children.
- Talk about how you parent your children anf how you were parented.
HEART
There is a closeness created through sharing feelings and desires. It may be hard to jump right into sharing so it helps to spend time doing things together. It doesn’t have to be extremely active. Find those things that you like to do and do them with your spouse. Do something with your spouse that allows you actively to spend time together. At times you can even do separate activities but in the same area: you read a magazine while she does a word puzzle, you wash the car while he trims the hedge. It helps to keep the paired activities so you are both outside or inside at the same time! Here are some ideas to help maintain the heart intimacy in your marriage:
- Spend 10 minutes with no electronics, talking or just being quiet.
- Learn healthy fight rules so no emotional weapons are used.
- Have daily physical contact that doesn’t lead to the bedroom (hug, smooch, hold hands, snuggle).
- Take a walk.
- Make dinner.
- Go to a museum.
- Hike a mountain.
- Play a board game, pool, foosball, or ping pong.
- Fly a kite.
- Take a drive somewhere or nowhere.
- Go bowling or sledding.
- Play tennis or basketball.
- Go to a party, out to dinner with friends, attend a concert.
BODY
We started out talking about the physical and although it is true that it is not the only and maybe not even the most important part of intimacy, it must not be left out. It seems to be one of the first casualties of life, especially for young marrieds with their focus on career and their desire to start a family. If you have other areas of intimacy satisfied, it is more likely that your physical intimacy will be too. There have been several sources expounding the benefits of daily physical intimacy challenges. And if you find it hard to focus on the bedroom due to fatigue or lack of time, it might help to lower your expectations and set a starter activity as your goal. If you accomplish that, then it’s good, but often once the ball actually gets rolling, we find we have the time and energy after all. Here are some ideas to help maintain the physical intimacy in your marriage:
- Hold hands as often as you can.
- Dance in your living room.
- Sit on the couch together to watch TV.
- Hug and kiss.
- Give a massage.
Fulfilled Intimacy
I heard of a little word play that intimacy means into-me-see. That’s cool and catchy enough that maybe it will help us remember what intimacy is really about. If I want to be intimate with someone, I will let that person see into me–the real me–and I will encourage him to invite me into the real him and treat that knowledge with dignity.
Few things are as fulfilling as being known on an intimate level.
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